Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The last 5 places you ever want to poop

Everybody Poops, or so we are told by that quirky little book that instills in youth that, what you are doing is a natural, decent thing, and that other animals, just like humans poop too.

But as humans, we have a bit of a choice. Instead of always going in one corner of the yard, or just free falling it onto freshly washed cars, we have toilets. The best thing, they are EVERYWHERE, so whenever you get the urge, you can usually find one. However, not all toilets are made the same, and below you will find the 5 worst types of places to poop.

#5 Sports arenas' /Stadiums.
Your watching your favorite team whoop ass on another team, drinking some beers, and all of a sudden it hits you, time to unleash hell on the porcelain god.
Now, anyone who has ever been to a large sporting event knows that the bathroom lines are ridiculously long. Not only are you waiting forever to let loose, but by the time you get there you realize the paper was gone after the 1st quarter, and the fans are drunk enough now that urine can go anywhere. Floor, seat, wall, the last few shreds of paper left. Sometimes you even catch the person pooping in the trough, since the lines for the stalls are usualyl 2x's as long.

#4 Campground bathrooms
Everyone loves to camp, but not everyone is bear-enough to poop in the woods. At all of America's "Modern" Camp grounds, were you can escape the tough city or suburban hassle, and go out to the woods to enjoy your nice RV with satellite and your Wii, they have restrooms. This change of scenery often leads at least someone on the trip to get the shits, and get them bad.
The only problem is, these restrooms are usually a septic system. Having 1/3 of all feces in there being primarily filled with beer-shits, definitely doesn't help. The smell is horrible, and usually, some of the critters get in. So as your sitting on the throne you may see a giant moth chilling in the corner, reach in for some paper and find that Charlette has a web there, and then turn on the water to find that its just as brown as the toilet water due to the well water. They usually even come with showers, which never drain properly and have that moldy mildew smell. Yum!

#3 The Catholic Church.
Pooping in a church has a whole myriad of problems of it own. Pooping if your catholic is; for the most part, forbidden, as Family guy pokes fun
Peter: I'm looking for some toilet training books.
Salesman: We have the popular 'everybody poops", or the less popular 'nobody poops but you'.
Peter: Well, you see, we're catholic...
Salesman: Ah, then you'll want 'you're a naughty, naughty boy, and that's concentrated evil coming out the back of you'.

Secondly, do you really want to poop in God's house? Sure, he can watch you poop at home, but going to the church and doing it is like REALLY Asking god to watch you poo.

#2 Port-A Potty
IF you have ever been to an outside venue, work construction, or pretty much anywhere else where water is not readily available, or has a large need for a lot of toilets, the Port a John is the answer.

Now, whats worse that shitting in a cramped, non flushable excessively smelly and hot box?
Well, Not much. Anyone who has dared to use one, even just to pee, knows that the stench almost knocks you over while standing in line, and just entering the oven requires the strongest of wills. Honestly they should only be used in EXTREME circumstances, and to pull horrible horrible pranks on people

Or even if it is an accident, probably the worst thing that could happen to someone.

And Finally, the worst place you ever want to poop,
#1 The parents house of your date/fiance when you first meet them

Nothing is scary for a guy than having to meet a chicks parents. You never know if the mom is really an eviler Martha Stuart, or the dad's got a shotgun in each room just waiting for you to slip up. As it is your already uptight and nervous, hoping everything that comes out of your mouth is the right thing.
But what about your ass?
Do you really want to take a shit that may possibly stink up their house? You won't be known as "My soon to be son in law" You will be known as "Captain shit pants"
What's even worse, What if you get stuck like the guy from Dumb and Dumber
Harry on the broken toilet

Nothing can be more horrible than that moment there, knowing the only thing you can do is cry.

DiggIt!Add to del.icio.usAdd to Technorati Faves
Ajax CommentLuv Enabled 1d04e6da811ea386a30422b1935139ed

No comments:

Post a Comment