Thursday, May 7, 2009

my 5 easy tips on staying thin.

Every day I see commercial after commercial for the miracle on how to lose weight. Every third banner ad is on how to lose that flabby weight that you put on because your lazy and immobile. Every other radio commercial is about losing weight fast with this medical dietary breakthrough!

And now, for only $9.99 a meal, you can get this cardboard flavored ass cake that will make you thin (Probably because you will throw up after eating it, Bulimia in a disguise)

But it's really not hard to stay thin and following my Five easy tips on staying thin You too will probably shed a few pounds *Or at least not gain much more*

Tip #1
Have you ever heard of healthy steps? Each day that I go to a store I park the FARTHEST away that I can from the store entrance. As a friend put it "You know that car parked way the fuck out in the middle of no where, and you wonder who the fuck parked there? Ya, that's me"

Now wait, Isn't parking there going to waste so much more time because your walking?! Well, possibly. You can either spend 3 minutes driving around in circles, waiting for someone to leave a spot that's closer, or you can park far out, and get that much needed exercise.

"But won't I be walking in the store?"
Listen, if you have a problem with walking, than go back home with some icecream and stop reading. If your too lazy to walk, then you obviously don't care that your getting fat.

Tip #2 Take the stairs
We have all gone into a building and we immediately rush to the elevator to go up 1-2 stories Really? That lazy? Its 1-2 stairs? Your going to pay to go to a gym and walk up a stair climber, yet you won't walk up stairs regularly?

Just say no to elevators, and walk up the stairs! Obviously if its 104 stories, maybe walk up 5-10 then take the elevator.

Tip #3 Stop eating fast food
"But Waldo, I want to be able to eat McDonalds and Starbucks every single day! I can't function with out my $4 mocha latte iced caffeine coffee or my Quarter pounder and grease!"
On every weird occasion it is ok to stop and eat fast food. Your on a long drive somewhere and starving, need to get a quick bite. Sure. But every day before work why do you need to get a sugar pumped caffeinated beverage? Or 4 McDonalds croissants. Ya, you say your going to get the healthy orange salad, but no, you get hash browns, a whopper, and an extra large coke, wait no, DIET coke *since it's really going to help*. Grow up, your not a little kid looking for his happy meal. This is probably one of the most important of my Five tips on staying thin If you can't cook for yourself, its either time to learn, or get a wife.

Tip #4Cook for yourself.
Yes, this is a part of tip #3, but you can do it, cook for yourself. And I don't mean to do it like writer would

I mean cook healthy foods. Vegetables! Its so easy to make a tasty stir fry with some leftover rice, and fresh or frozen vegetables. Just toss them all in a hot pan with a little bit of oil, add a dash of soy sauce, some garlic, and crack an egg in there. TADA! Eat fresh vegetables. And no, Not coated in an ounce of ranch dressing, Plain!. Make a cucumber salad. Its basically cucumber, onion, some diced tomato, and Italian dressing. TASTY!

Tip #5Mow your own lawn
The final tip of my five tips to stay thin works for anyone that has their own house. Mow your own lawn. And not on a riding lawn mower either. Get out there and push! Not only will you build some muscles and sweat a little, but you will feel a great sense of accomplishment as your lawn looks nice, and you chopped a pesky mole into 5000 pieces and sprayed it into your neighbors pool. Stop paying some company hundreds a year to mow it for you. If your going to pay anyone, find the fattest little kid on your street and pay him. At least one of you won't be a giant at the end.
"But waldo, by the time I get home from work, its beginning to get dark, I have to cook myself dinner, I'm tired!" What, would you rather do it in the REALLY HOT SUN or when its cooling for night? Take of your a shirt *Especially if your a hot chick* and cool off a bit.

Not only are you NOT spending money to buy diet pills, go to a gym, or eat disgusting tasting low fat food, but you are actually SAVING money! You might think that dollar menu is saving you, but when you buy eight items at a time your spending far more. I feed 3 people a chicken dinner for $9-10, with leftovers!
You won't drop 50 pounds or lose weight at an amazing pace, but you sure as hell won't be gaining any if you follow these steps. It's simple, and takes little to no time. STOP BEING A LAZY FUCK

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  1. half an hour of morning fitness rocks you a whole day ;)

  2. If only I wern't THAT lazy to do the morning fitness lol.