Friday, August 7, 2009

The art of the fart

Everybody farts, it's a fact of life. Except girls, they release rainbows. But farting, or as it is properly refereed to "Flatulence" can lead to an embarrassing situation. After several years of passing gas I have developed a technique that will allow you to leave the uncomfortable bloated realm of holding it in behind, while leaving your pant's dry, and your co-workers and family with out a clue.

Step one Fart Testing
Yes, fart testing. Through out the day you should test your farts. First thing in the morning, right before you get out of your car, and then after any food you consume. By releasing a fart at these times you can test for smell, sound and solidity. (Leaving a wet spot in your trousers is never a good thing) As long as you perform periodic test farts, and they pass the muster, you should be able to let out those silent non-smelly farts whenever you must, with out raising suspicion.

Step Two Noise Concealment
So you have tested your farts and they don't smell, they aren't wet, but they make a little noise. This can be easily taken care of. Don't let pressure build to a point where you may crap yourself, but when you feel one coming, you know will be noisy from your fart test earlier, Drop a large book, Cough, Sneeze or Slam a door. Even pinching a co-worker will work. Not only will they let out a noise to cover it up, but they will be so distracted they won't notice your fart. When was the last time you heard "HEY! You pinched m... did you just fart?"

Step three Smell Concealment
There are several levels of smelly farts. Some you get a quick whiff of something unpleasant. Others linger with that eggy smell for several minutes, and yet others. well.. you should really see a doctor instead of reading an article online if you are having those farts.
There are many ways to cover/eliminate the smell of a wretched anus that are simple and cheap. A good idea is to fart when there is something cooking/near a cafeteria. If someone comments you can chime in "Ya, the food probably won't be too good today" Patchouli oil can work wonders also, not only will it cover the smell, but most people will try to stay away from you for the scent of that alone, making the fart almost impossible to tell. And lastly, Blaming. While the dog can be a great thing to blame, the dog usually isn't in your office with your boss and a co-worker. If you make the move before the smell hits anyone, your pretty set.
In a group of 3+ attempt to let out farts when individuals sit down, stand up, bend or lean. Then immediately look and go "ohh man, you really shouldn't have done that out here" However be aware. If you are often the one heard saying things like that, people may catch on.

The Final Solution Leaving the scene
Sometimes a fart either will not be able to be held in, or is so horrible there is nothing you can do but put on a mask and pray. To eliminate the possibility of losing a job, you can always use one of these escape methods.
Excuse yourself to the bathroom- While better than farting on someone, they will probably get the hint that something is afoul
Exclaim "Is that the icecream man?" and start running- While this may not work in a high rise, it may get you out of a sticky (literally) situation.
Letting it out- Although this isn't recommended for anyone that wants to keep their job, there is sometimes that guilty pleasure of watching a dozen people gag and nearly vomit to something that came out of you (that is unless you have truly ugly children)

So there you have it. The art of farting. Use it wisely, and just in case, always carry an extra change of knickers.


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1 comment:

  1. I tweeted this post. Really liked it. Keep up the good work.