The last 5 places you ever want to poop

Everybody Poops, or so we are told by that quirky little book that instills in youth that, what you are doing is a natural, decent thing, and that other animals, just like humans poop too.

But as humans, we have a bit of a choice. Instead of always going in one corner of the yard, or just free falling it onto freshly washed cars, we have toilets. The best thing, they are EVERYWHERE, so whenever you get the urge, you can usually find one. However, not all toilets are made the same, and below you will find the 5 worst types of places to poop.


#5 Sports arenas' /Stadiums.
Your watching your favorite team whoop ass on another team, drinking some beers, and all of a sudden it hits you, time to unleash hell on the porcelain god.
Now, anyone who has ever been to a large sporting event knows that the bathroom lines are ridiculously long. Not only are you waiting forever to let loose, but by the time you get there you realize the paper was gone after the 1st quarter, and the fans are drunk enough now that urine can go anywhere. Floor, seat, wall, the last few shreds of paper left. Sometimes you even catch the person pooping in the trough, since the lines for the stalls are usualyl 2x's as long.

#4 Campground bathrooms
Everyone loves to camp, but not everyone is bear-enough to poop in the woods. At all of America's "Modern" Camp grounds, were you can escape the tough city or suburban hassle, and go out to the woods to enjoy your nice RV with satellite and your Wii, they have restrooms. This change of scenery often leads at least someone on the trip to get the shits, and get them bad.
The only problem is, these restrooms are usually a septic system. Having 1/3 of all feces in there being primarily filled with beer-shits, definitely doesn't help. The smell is horrible, and usually, some of the critters get in. So as your sitting on the throne you may see a giant moth chilling in the corner, reach in for some paper and find that Charlette has a web there, and then turn on the water to find that its just as brown as the toilet water due to the well water. They usually even come with showers, which never drain properly and have that moldy mildew smell. Yum!

#3 The Catholic Church.
Pooping in a church has a whole myriad of problems of it own. Pooping if your catholic is; for the most part, forbidden, as Family guy pokes fun
Peter: I'm looking for some toilet training books.
Salesman: We have the popular 'everybody poops", or the less popular 'nobody poops but you'.
Peter: Well, you see, we're catholic...
Salesman: Ah, then you'll want 'you're a naughty, naughty boy, and that's concentrated evil coming out the back of you'.

Secondly, do you really want to poop in God's house? Sure, he can watch you poop at home, but going to the church and doing it is like REALLY Asking god to watch you poo.

#2 Port-A Potty
IF you have ever been to an outside venue, work construction, or pretty much anywhere else where water is not readily available, or has a large need for a lot of toilets, the Port a John is the answer.

Now, whats worse that shitting in a cramped, non flushable excessively smelly and hot box?
Well, Not much. Anyone who has dared to use one, even just to pee, knows that the stench almost knocks you over while standing in line, and just entering the oven requires the strongest of wills. Honestly they should only be used in EXTREME circumstances, and to pull horrible horrible pranks on people


Or even if it is an accident, probably the worst thing that could happen to someone.

And Finally, the worst place you ever want to poop,
#1 The parents house of your date/fiance when you first meet them

Nothing is scary for a guy than having to meet a chicks parents. You never know if the mom is really an eviler Martha Stuart, or the dad's got a shotgun in each room just waiting for you to slip up. As it is your already uptight and nervous, hoping everything that comes out of your mouth is the right thing.
But what about your ass?
Do you really want to take a shit that may possibly stink up their house? You won't be known as "My soon to be son in law" You will be known as "Captain shit pants"
What's even worse, What if you get stuck like the guy from Dumb and Dumber
Harry on the broken toilet

Nothing can be more horrible than that moment there, knowing the only thing you can do is cry.

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The art of the fart

Everybody farts, it's a fact of life. Except girls, they release rainbows. But farting, or as it is properly refereed to "Flatulence" can lead to an embarrassing situation. After several years of passing gas I have developed a technique that will allow you to leave the uncomfortable bloated realm of holding it in behind, while leaving your pant's dry, and your co-workers and family with out a clue.

Step one Fart Testing
Yes, fart testing. Through out the day you should test your farts. First thing in the morning, right before you get out of your car, and then after any food you consume. By releasing a fart at these times you can test for smell, sound and solidity. (Leaving a wet spot in your trousers is never a good thing) As long as you perform periodic test farts, and they pass the muster, you should be able to let out those silent non-smelly farts whenever you must, with out raising suspicion.


Step Two Noise Concealment
So you have tested your farts and they don't smell, they aren't wet, but they make a little noise. This can be easily taken care of. Don't let pressure build to a point where you may crap yourself, but when you feel one coming, you know will be noisy from your fart test earlier, Drop a large book, Cough, Sneeze or Slam a door. Even pinching a co-worker will work. Not only will they let out a noise to cover it up, but they will be so distracted they won't notice your fart. When was the last time you heard "HEY! You pinched m... did you just fart?"


Step three Smell Concealment
There are several levels of smelly farts. Some you get a quick whiff of something unpleasant. Others linger with that eggy smell for several minutes, and yet others. well.. you should really see a doctor instead of reading an article online if you are having those farts.
There are many ways to cover/eliminate the smell of a wretched anus that are simple and cheap. A good idea is to fart when there is something cooking/near a cafeteria. If someone comments you can chime in "Ya, the food probably won't be too good today" Patchouli oil can work wonders also, not only will it cover the smell, but most people will try to stay away from you for the scent of that alone, making the fart almost impossible to tell. And lastly, Blaming. While the dog can be a great thing to blame, the dog usually isn't in your office with your boss and a co-worker. If you make the move before the smell hits anyone, your pretty set.
In a group of 3+ attempt to let out farts when individuals sit down, stand up, bend or lean. Then immediately look and go "ohh man, you really shouldn't have done that out here" However be aware. If you are often the one heard saying things like that, people may catch on.


The Final Solution Leaving the scene
Sometimes a fart either will not be able to be held in, or is so horrible there is nothing you can do but put on a mask and pray. To eliminate the possibility of losing a job, you can always use one of these escape methods.
Excuse yourself to the bathroom- While better than farting on someone, they will probably get the hint that something is afoul
Exclaim "Is that the icecream man?" and start running- While this may not work in a high rise, it may get you out of a sticky (literally) situation.
Letting it out- Although this isn't recommended for anyone that wants to keep their job, there is sometimes that guilty pleasure of watching a dozen people gag and nearly vomit to something that came out of you (that is unless you have truly ugly children)

So there you have it. The art of farting. Use it wisely, and just in case, always carry an extra change of knickers.

~Waldo~

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Funny captchas round 2!

So a good deal of people seemed to like my first funny captcha post about Ceasars erection
Yes, that was a pretty hysterical captcha. But I found another Funny Captcha the other day while trying to help my brother get a job babysitting on craigslist. Now, it's not as clever as the first one, But honestly WTF?


I find the weirdest captchas, "are urethra" What in the hell is that supposed to be talking about? You would think that before they publish the captcha dictionaries, they filter out a handful of words that might turn out inappropriate. I am surprised I haven't gotten "puppy boner" or "Touch breasts" yet.

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Things NOT covered by health insurance

everyone that has health insurance knows there are tons of things that aren't covered. Each health insurance plan will offer different things that it does or doesn't cover, and at what percentage they may cover it. Well, occasionally you have individuals who don't find what they are looking for in the booklets, try to purchase a treatment, and then get pissed that they don't have it covered.

Sometimes, these idiots take stupid to a high and new level.


Yes, apparently people have attempted to purchase illegal drugs, and illegal operations using their health insurance. I can just imagine the conversation.

"yo, can I get a rock"
"ya man, it'll be fiddy"
"heres by blue cross blue shield card"
"what you frontin!?"
"yo dawg, its part of my insurance"
"man, get your punk ass outta here"
"Damn, you think the back alley abortion dude will accept this?"
"you be illin!!!"

I at least assume that's how drug dealers talk due to movies

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Comics for filler

As you all know, when I am Bored or Lazy I do something to fill the space here on my blog. That's why I have some new comics for everyone!

If you take offense, grow up. These are Funny and may make you feel bad inside.

I know the comics are a little crude, but I had to shrink them to fit.



And my second comic


I will attempt to get a better update out for everyone to enjoy later this week. I have been busy installing a new bar in my basement. Everyone loves their alcohol and I am no different. *Takes another sip of vodka-aide *

Remember! If you like it leave comments, social book mark me, or check out my other pages! Also, check out my girlfriends new site http://coolcashfast.blogspot.com

Peace

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funny captcha

So all the time i am on the interweb submitting stuff for people to see and all teh time I have to submit captchas. Whats a captcha? It's one of those funny looking boxes that makes you enter in soem randomly generated word/number to try to make sure your not a robot. Pretty cool, it keeps down on the spam.

Whats not cool is when you get some really messed up ones, Like this.




Honestly, WTF! Why !!

I did not want to see that, but, shit happens right

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Comics comics comics!

Here are a few more of my better comics. Too busy to post a real post. I am about to go out for my birthday!





Tada! Hope they don't too horribly offend anyone. They are comics as you know.

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fun videos!

back a while ago in college my roomate yoghurt and I used to dub over xmen video's to make them a bit more interesting. It was much like the GI joe video's that are HYSTERICAL! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJ-ckU_D1fg However, We didnt have good equipment to do the stuff with, so we had to make craptastic ones. But anywho, here is one, and I will post more later. Check it out!

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Cat tongue

Getting ready to cook soup, my brother looking through our recipe book found this.



Yum, cat tongues

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The superbowl is upon us.

We all know the Superbowl is probably the biggest anticipated sports game in America. Bigger than the Olympics, Bigger than March Madness. Hell, it does have the word Super in it. But what makes it so special? Why are people always so intrigued by it?

The Commercials
Now, yes, some people do actually watch the game. There are the die hard fans that are in the parking lot in Tampa now, painted some ridiculous color, and incredibly intoxicated. Most of the rest of us though are sitting at home, with a few friends, a couple 30 racks, and all the dips and chips you can imagine. But, while we watch the game, yelling over every pass, missed tackle, and interception, we are really only looking forward to one thing. Those commercials.

But now we don't have to! Thanks to the interweb we can all view those amazing comercials before they even make it onto tv! Like this one!
Career Builder Whats better than a grown man crying? punching a small animal in the face. Yep, Thats the clincher. Theres no reason not to. I laughed my balls off when I saw this one, and there are thousands others. some are excellent. Some are just horrible. None will ever live up to the amazing 7up comercials of the past 7 up That was by far one of the greatest commercials ever created and played.

Now that your aware of this unknown fact. That you can watch the commercials before, after, or during the Superbowl, with out having to actually watch steroid abusing individuals fondle each other over a ball, are you going to start looking? I sure as hell hope so. Enjoy, and please, drink responsibly. lol.

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2 more comics

2 more since I am too busy to post something more interesting






and remember, support free stuff like ImageShack

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First linux user

So my blog, of its close to 3000 views, received its first ever linux viewer! while only staying for roughly 7 seconds it was pretty amazing!

I also received a user for a very very strange reason, as shown in the below picture.


Someone is either a pervert, or really had thought that doing that might be good.

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clotted cream fudge

Now doesn't this just sound really appetizing

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Web comics part duex!

Here are some more webcomics of mine. I am pretty busy on this martin luther king day so I can't actually come up with anything more clever.








Tada!! horrible horrible horrible

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Comics!

Well a long while ago I had started comics that were often crude, ridiculous, and hysterical. However I didn't have the time to really update them as i wanted. And since I have been very busy in real life, I decided that I can use them as filler here between more interesting posts. here are a few, and I will post them occasionally when I am short on other ideas.

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The Addiction of Stumbling

It isn't often that I become addicted to things. I have a pretty addictive personality, so I end up attempting to steer clear of things that could potentially screw me. I don't smoke, I don't do any sort of Coffee or energy drink caffeine crap. I do drink, and drink hard occasionally, but thats cool right?
    Now I have come across a new addiction. For years I have been what you could call "Obsessed" with the computer. I am online all of the time doing everything in the world. Constant communication with friends, family and strangers. The news at my fingertips, and of course, hysterical things like

Cyanide and Happiness

That being said, I began to notice I was growing bored while on the computer. I had nothing to really do. I had read all the "good" sites. I have seen all the funny pictures and movies, and I have played all those little 2d games.  I was almost afraid I would have to re-enter the world of reality when it hit me. Stumbling.

For those of you not familiar with stumbling, it's a wonderful concept developed as a Firefox add in. Basically you fill out a short check box survey of things you like, and each time you click "Stumble!" it takes you to a site that other users that enjoy the same things thought was cool. Well after about 5 hours of this I realized I had almost wet myself, and was horribly dehydrated. I had just seen so many funny video clips, pictures, and learned a ton about new technology. I didn't think it could get much better, yet it still continues. Stumble afters Stumble leads me to another crazy thing I never saw on the internet.

Now of course, it is always bad to be addicted to something, but whats worse is when you addict OTHERS to it, knowing just how bad it is. It's the same thing with anything else. One person starts smoking, and slowly they con everyone around them to come out and smoke with them, and before long everyone is pissed they smoke, but can't stop. Well I have successfully gotten about 3 people addicted to stumbling, and I almost feel bad about it. It's wonderful at first, but such a major distraction. Actually, while typing this I took two breaks to stumble, and I came across some unusually interesting pictures of funny t-shirt slogans.

So I warn anyone that reads this. Beware of Stumbleupon. It may one day just take your life.

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